It rained on Easter Sunday

We walked from the restaurant fat and satisfied when I saw that sight that I just can't seem to shake. Pure desperation and humiliation flowed from your eyes and spoke to me so deeply that I couldn't walk away. Why was no one there to care for you? We sat in the car and my heart sank. I couldn't turn my back, I couldn't just walk away. We hit the ATM, tears in my eyes, and made our way back to that parking lot. As I approached you I noticed the sign held in front of your face as you searched for the courage and humility to face what you'd been reduced to. A feeble old man who had no dignity left. Disabled and alone like so many others. The look in your eyes hit me so hard. You were a symbol for all the things that are wrong with the world. How could everyone else turn their back and walk away. How could all these people celebrating such a holiday stand in the lot next to you, backs turned, chatting and laughing when this was happening? Is this humanity? I placed the small fold of cash in your hand and felt in that moment everything that you must have felt. I hugged you and filled with sorrow. I know that it helped you for today, but what about tomorrow? I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to process everything that comes along with facing you and everything that it represented. It's such a small gesture in the big scheme of things. It makes me sick to my stomach to know that this is the way our world is turning. It's so unsettling to me to think about the thousands if not millions of people who are simply thrown to the wolves.

Learning to forgive

I sometimes feel like I got ripped off. How might my life be different if I had had some guidance and encouragement growing up? I look at my peers and observe how there lives have led them to be where they are. Those who had a positive environment growing up seem to be pretty well off while those who didn't, are in the same low place they grew up in. I find myself somewhere in the middle. My morals and values lie with those who seem to be of a higher class, to put it in a bit of a shallow perspective. It really does seem that most are a product of their environment. You grow up surrounded by drugs, alcohol, ignorance, etc., and that's what you live your life around. There are a few of us that find our way out of that, but then find ourselves in a very awkward position. I long for a better place but have no idea how to obtain that. I read, study, meditate, read, study, meditate; but still find myself dreaming of the grass on the other side of the fence.

So then, I come to the typical "who can I blame" point in the equation. It's so easy to blame my parents. My mom, so enthralled in her codependence. She tried the best she could, but still only managed to get in her own way. The destruction of child's spirit was a byproduct of her self destruction. I spent so much time blaming her, then forgiving her, only to blame her again. I've reached a point in my life, however, where I at least understand her. The result was never her intention. She did the best she could to her ability.

Then there's my dad. I never really "blamed" him, but did hold a tight fist of resentment for such a long time. All this time to find out, maybe things weren't the way I thought all along. My opinion of him, was my mother's opinion of him. She left him when I was so young and led me to believe that he was an awful person. Because of this, I stopped knowing my dad. Now, at age 28, I barely have a relationship with him and an empty place in my heart because of it. I now have an understanding for him and how he must have felt. How betrayed and alone he must have felt. I couldn't even imagine being in that position.

So where does this leave me? Well, a different place every day, I must say. Some days are so bright and optimistic for my future with my husband and daughter. Other days, it leaves me in a dark place. A place where I loath the circumstances that I have experienced. I loath having to sort through all of this "mud" of emotion, trying to put my finger on what it is and where it came from. I'm terrified of doing to my daughter what has been done to me. I never want her to feel some of the feelings I have felt. I never want her to think I don't love her or that I never wanted her. I always want her to know she can confide in me and I will love her no matter what.

I know that, knowing all of this, I have a pretty good chance. I know I can be different. I know I AM different. And I know that she will reap all of the rewards of this "break" in the cycle. All I can do is keep my eye on a bright future for my family and accept the days that aren't so bright as just a step forward.

Small hands doing great things

I'm still taken aback sometimes at this perfect little human that came out of my body. I watch in amazement as she discovers the world around her. It's funny how I always had this picture of the type of parent I would be. "I'll never let my child sleep in my bed", "You can't let them manipulate you", and many other ridiculous statements. It's only after I became a mother that I realized these ideas were nonsense. This little human is completely new and vulnerable to the world. She's not a person who manipulates and defies. She doesn't know the corruption that we all know as adults. She is the closest thing to purity I have ever known. She takes on the world with new eyes and depends on me for the strength and guidance to move forward. It can be pretty intimidating at times. The adult she will become so strongly depends on my influence. But even more important, is that I can see that she is individual as well. She deserves respect, just as any other person. That has kind of been my driving force to become the person that I have been slowly becoming. I see that she is not a piece of clay to be molded, but more like a flower to be watered and nourished until she comes to full bloom. She'll have petals individual to only her, and her scent will permeate throughout the world. I am so lucky to watch as she reaches for the sunlight, knowing that the sunlight is what she needs to help her grow. Her little hands hold the world inside them, and I am so grateful to call myself her mother.

Finding my niche, where do I fit in all of this?

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here. All odds seemed to be against me, but somehow I came out with a (good) head on my shoulders. But now I seem to find myself in a state of limbo. I've made great strides in becoming the person I want to be, but still find it difficult to place where I fit. My old acquaintances and what I once called friends no longer share the same views and interests as I do. Which, to be honest, they really didn't in the first place, but it was easier to ignore our differences then. Things now are so different for me, and I don't want to surround myself with certain energies and attitudes. So this leaves me starting over, as far as friendships/relationships go. Now usually, this wouldn't be a problem for me. I've always been great at meeting people, a social butterfly, if you will. But now, solid friendships are much more desired. I'm not looking for recognizable faces among parties and social gatherings that I can have a conversation with and maybe see them again, maybe not. Priorities are so much different now. Now, I'm realizing that I am much more self conscious than I let people see, even myself. I find myself intimidated by some of the people I've been getting to know. I don't consider myself an ignorant person, by any means, but am definitely uneducated in a lot of areas. I don't have a college degree, and the places I've been in life are much different than most others. I find myself envious, to an extent, of those who had some of the opportunities I was never given. And on the other hand, I find myself feeling sub par compared to my new acquaintances. The funny part about this is, most of them have never even given me the assumption that I'm being judged. I know it's my own issue, but still feel insecure about it. Some of the people I've been getting to know are amazing women who share so much of my ideals and values. But I keep my wall up because I feel inferior for some reason. This is a very new feeling for me. Everyone I surrounded myself with growing up came from the same place that I did and at the time there was that common ground. The difference was, most of them stayed in that dark place. So how does one feel comfortable in this new environment? How does one keep from feeling embarrassed when they don't have the education, fancy (at least in comparison) house, money to spend at their leisure, that new found peers may have? This is something that I have truly been struggling with. I know I can only move forward, and am so happy with my life and the person I've become and am becoming, but I long to feel like I fit. How do we let go of these feelings? How do we find comfort?