Learning to forgive

I sometimes feel like I got ripped off. How might my life be different if I had had some guidance and encouragement growing up? I look at my peers and observe how there lives have led them to be where they are. Those who had a positive environment growing up seem to be pretty well off while those who didn't, are in the same low place they grew up in. I find myself somewhere in the middle. My morals and values lie with those who seem to be of a higher class, to put it in a bit of a shallow perspective. It really does seem that most are a product of their environment. You grow up surrounded by drugs, alcohol, ignorance, etc., and that's what you live your life around. There are a few of us that find our way out of that, but then find ourselves in a very awkward position. I long for a better place but have no idea how to obtain that. I read, study, meditate, read, study, meditate; but still find myself dreaming of the grass on the other side of the fence.

So then, I come to the typical "who can I blame" point in the equation. It's so easy to blame my parents. My mom, so enthralled in her codependence. She tried the best she could, but still only managed to get in her own way. The destruction of child's spirit was a byproduct of her self destruction. I spent so much time blaming her, then forgiving her, only to blame her again. I've reached a point in my life, however, where I at least understand her. The result was never her intention. She did the best she could to her ability.

Then there's my dad. I never really "blamed" him, but did hold a tight fist of resentment for such a long time. All this time to find out, maybe things weren't the way I thought all along. My opinion of him, was my mother's opinion of him. She left him when I was so young and led me to believe that he was an awful person. Because of this, I stopped knowing my dad. Now, at age 28, I barely have a relationship with him and an empty place in my heart because of it. I now have an understanding for him and how he must have felt. How betrayed and alone he must have felt. I couldn't even imagine being in that position.

So where does this leave me? Well, a different place every day, I must say. Some days are so bright and optimistic for my future with my husband and daughter. Other days, it leaves me in a dark place. A place where I loath the circumstances that I have experienced. I loath having to sort through all of this "mud" of emotion, trying to put my finger on what it is and where it came from. I'm terrified of doing to my daughter what has been done to me. I never want her to feel some of the feelings I have felt. I never want her to think I don't love her or that I never wanted her. I always want her to know she can confide in me and I will love her no matter what.

I know that, knowing all of this, I have a pretty good chance. I know I can be different. I know I AM different. And I know that she will reap all of the rewards of this "break" in the cycle. All I can do is keep my eye on a bright future for my family and accept the days that aren't so bright as just a step forward.

Small hands doing great things

I'm still taken aback sometimes at this perfect little human that came out of my body. I watch in amazement as she discovers the world around her. It's funny how I always had this picture of the type of parent I would be. "I'll never let my child sleep in my bed", "You can't let them manipulate you", and many other ridiculous statements. It's only after I became a mother that I realized these ideas were nonsense. This little human is completely new and vulnerable to the world. She's not a person who manipulates and defies. She doesn't know the corruption that we all know as adults. She is the closest thing to purity I have ever known. She takes on the world with new eyes and depends on me for the strength and guidance to move forward. It can be pretty intimidating at times. The adult she will become so strongly depends on my influence. But even more important, is that I can see that she is individual as well. She deserves respect, just as any other person. That has kind of been my driving force to become the person that I have been slowly becoming. I see that she is not a piece of clay to be molded, but more like a flower to be watered and nourished until she comes to full bloom. She'll have petals individual to only her, and her scent will permeate throughout the world. I am so lucky to watch as she reaches for the sunlight, knowing that the sunlight is what she needs to help her grow. Her little hands hold the world inside them, and I am so grateful to call myself her mother.